she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
