Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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