i just snorted my name. best moment ever
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
