Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
