So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
