Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
