Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
