Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
