I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Randomize
