does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
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