Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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