You don't have asthma, your pregnant
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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