I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
