I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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