He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
