life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
