apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
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