I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
