i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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