Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
