i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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