Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
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Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
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