Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
