Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
