I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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