Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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