We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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