I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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