this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
