the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
