In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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