i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
