I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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