I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
