Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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