Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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