Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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