I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
