he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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