I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
