How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
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