Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
