apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
