he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
