everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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