I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
