Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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