oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Randomize
