she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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