remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
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