He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
