Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
