My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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