I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
